Coming out to your friends and family

As a guy who just recently come to terms with my attraction i want to know for the guys who have actually dated transwomen how was it coming out to your friends and family? Did you get any negative responses and if so how did you deal with it? Would love to hear you guys stories

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I just told my mom, my brother and my nephew and niese + 2 friends and a woman which I have known my all life. The woman didn’t react at all. She instantly started talking about something else like she hoped she got it wrong but I did repeat for her and she said nothing. My family and friends were very positive. I was most exited for one of my friends’ reaction. I kinda used him as a litmus test. He could tilted both ways but he was positive. He is a free spirit and a minor himself with both legs paralyzed. He has his experiences with prejudgement and maybe discrimination.

I have many more to confess for. This far she’s known as my girl friend. I don’t broadcast. People around me talk and rumors spread that I am in a relationship (with a woman). To be true I really don’t know what people around me knows. I just don’t hear anything negative.

I have never heard about negative reactions but if I remember your story right you wasn’t sure what to expect from some in your family and among friends.

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Hi Cj

I just arrived on that website and I am glad it exists. Because for numerous trans attracted men, it seems to be difficult to be “accepted” by others. And I saw you were kinda questionning yourself about others’s reactions… For my part, I red that a lot of trans-attracted men were rejected and suffering because of narrow minded people’s behaviour but… I’m still questionning myself about “Why could I be suffering from bastard’s behaviour ?”

I realized recently (half a year) that I was trans attracted. But it was so a solace to me to understand myself about my tastes and sexuality that I don’t even feel able to consider other’s point of view over me for the moment. In the facts, I spent so much a lot of time to understand the inner gears of my own personality and tastes that, now that I realized it, I just feel comfortable with the idea. And I don’t think this is a special strength I have. I already used to wonder "Why people pretend to be so concerned by other’s private life ? Whatever if it is gay life or lesbian’s one, and so on, we shouldn’t even have to fight to be accepted, this is simply what we are. Does an hetero man or girl has to fight to be accepted ? For me, to pretend to be equal to them involves to think as they already do. If they don’t fight to feel accepted, why should I do ?

Of course, I know that we are not in a wonderland and that people are trully able to emit easy and rude judgements about one’s tastes and private life, but, from my own experience of the thing, I started “my fight” by sincerely and deeply understanding and accepting myself. I had that rare luck, apparently… And what I can say about it, to answer your question, this is that it seems to have a powerful effect over my friends and family.

My family is especially narrow-minded. But as I don’t tell them about me as if I feel like a kinda curiosity, I think this help them a lot to just move on. If us, trans attracted people, but also all non hetero “conforming” people, feel able to live our private life without taking so much cares about stranger’s opinion about us, I think the changes will just operate naturally in people’s mind. Of course, I am not talking about some particular forms of violence and I will never say that I agree with that, world’s mind has to change. But I am questionning about "What is the best way to help people to change without sacrifying anyone’s life ? And what I felt about it is that, the main fight we have to lead is inside us first. But what I saw, at the contrary, is that each time someone raised the fist to assert his/her private life in someone other’s mind, there has always been an idiot to start a war.

Maybe I am just lucky, and you would be right to think that I dont master the topic, but don’t forget I was just talking of my own experience and point of view. And whatever if it was before or after I realized that I was trans-oriented, for me, fighting to be “accepted” by others has ever been a kinda nonsense. I think this is mostly an inner fight we have to make to sincerely accept oneself. And I think that managing to do this will lead to a slow and more calm transition.

But I won’t be offended if someone thinks that I just say nonsense. I just talked about a feeling and my humble point of view. And some recent experiences. There is no “truth” in it.

Whatever it is, I wish you to be strong to already perfectly and deeply accept and understand yourself. I’m pretty sure you’ll feel better after doing this. :slight_smile:

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There’s a really interesting conference which you can find on this topic. Plus, even if it’s in english, it’s really easy to understand. And I’m happy to hear it joins my own point of view :

i just heard its so good really uplifiting

I see what your saying bro welcome to the website bro

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Thanks a lot Cj. It’s nice to be among you. I hope I’ll be helpful here. In all the cases, I will try to. :slight_smile:

your helpful by being here and sharing your stories and accepting and loving who you are bro. peace brotha

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That’s the reason why that website is really important, I think. We don’t have to know each other or to go around with each other to be helpful and really friendly. :slight_smile: In all the cases, if you have any question you’d like to deepen, I’ll enjoy to answer you.

By the way, have you already dated someone transgender or did you just need to talk about it before doing it ? What about your own story, bro ? If it can makes your pleasure to talk about it I mean.

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I havent dated a transwomen yet but im looking you know lol im still a bit anxious to be real with you i still struggle with old ways of thinking you old insecurities which thats why im on this website because i wanna learn to accept who i am how about you bro how has your experience been so far?

Well… I think this is totally understandable that you’ve got still some apprehensions. I haven’t the same “course” than you. By luck, I had a hard and very sensitive childhood, with separated parents. My father abandonned me and my brother, my mom was too busy to take a lovely care of us and my bro was put to be my rival, in some way. I used to live alone and a bit lost without any guidance. I said “Luck” because this situation taught me to be curious and resistant finally. I started very soon to question myself about how I was supposed to have a great life, with that values I got here and there. Here was the start of my long journey.

So, before wondering about that position I have now, a trans-oriented man, I did before the work to think deeply about myself, the picture of me I wanted to have and to keep. And this is still a big question in my life. This is the price you’ve got from a real and long loneliness : you finish to bring more value to your own consideration than other’s one. And it involves to look at myself in the mirror, not other’s eyes.

This is… a nowaday problem that society has. Growing from childhood to adulthood involves just one thing : your interest of other’s regard. You are very able, I guess, to considerate other’s point of view. But what you certainly need now is to value again your own point of view, about yourself. And for this, you need to dare to look at who you are and how legitimate is your life in your current way of living. It can appears very “odd” and maybe frightening when someone is misestimating oneself, but the only fact your there, talking to strangers about yourself is an undubitable evidence of your own courage and inner strength, bro. The first thing you need is to trust again in yourself, whatever other’s opinion. If other don’t know you well (and this will be mostly the case) it would just be legitimate and fair for them to shut up about you if they are too weak to help you sincerely and friendly. :slight_smile:

This is my way of thinking. This is my advice for you. And I’m quite sure that the question of your sexual orientation or private tastes won’t be any deep problem anymore. :wink:

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You’re courageous to come here and show yourself as you are, with fears and doubts. Plus this is an evidence of humility, and open-mindedness. Let no one to take this off from you, bro. :wink: This is strength you have. And you can trust me about it : this is the only thing you need to be free to live your life exactly as you think it’s the best for you.

And don’t fear to take your time to be ready to date someone, whatever if it is a girl, a guy or transgender people. There is deeply no real differences. This will be you and your feeling and the other person and their feelings. Plus, this will be a great demonstration of consideration you will have towards the people if you practice to welcome them better in the future. :wink:

That’s the Humanity I like ! :slight_smile:

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For my part, I am now discussing with two transgender people. And I really enjoy to learn about them. Not because of being transgender, but because they are interesting in their personality. And when I think about it, I feel that it won’t be any problem for me to be and live with one of them.

One is a really beautiful guy, looking deeply like a woman, who feel a woman inside and who plan to take some hormones and have some plastic surgery to really feel like a woman outside. He’s really nervous about it and has been rejected and abandonned by a weak guy who probably could not support him… But I found in him something really wonderful, a kinda innocence, and a secret wish to live happy, just this. He’s now struggling with family and “friends” but especially with himself, and doesn’t feel comfortable to have a new relation to someone else. So, I am mostly trying to help him accepting his last breakheart for the moment, I am not really something more than just a friend, even if I would like to. He’s typically the kinda of people I feel attracted to. But… I’ve no decision to take except to give him the best I can and see where it could lead.

And there’s a girl I just met two days ago. I don’t really know many things about her except that we seems to look for the same kinda relationship and that we could feel naturally attracted to each other.

For me, it’s just a question of being happy with someone who can accept me, even if I am described as a cis-man. The question of the gender… It just allow me to enjoy in advance what kinda sexual life we could have together. And, for that author I am, this is a great source of imagination :blush:

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Great Jinn! Where do you meet people? Online on dating sites or …?? You seem like such a open person do you still date genetic females and do you like guys too or just tgs? And what about transvestites or androgynes?

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For your first question, I can say that I mostly using website to meet people. My job to be an author doesn’t allow me to meet many people in real life. I am mostly using OKCupid and Betolerant for the moment. After, I am not looking for transgender people particularly. As you maybe noticed it, my attention is rather focused on the personality of the people than their gender. I can say that I don’t feel attracted to viril guys, so… I am not gay. But I feel really attracted to feminity, even when it appears to a feminine guy or transgender people.

I used to say that this is just a question of “role” that I want to play or not. And a great part of my personality tend to be protector, viril, and active. Something you can assimile to “masculine”. So, whatever is the gender of the people, in fact, what is important to me is that I can be compatible with other’s desires and attitude.

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I should even tell that I am still a bit lost with all that codes and genders… When I speak to someone, I feel not able to look at the people for their gender. General appearance and attitude are far enough to let me know if I would like to be friendly, or a lover. And this is all the things that I can get into the personality traits of that one I would be talking to. I never start a meeting by considering genders. And if it is important afterwards, this is not something i look at when starting a conversation.

I don’t care actually. :slight_smile: And more, I don’t need to partition people otherwise than friend ones, lover others, and indifferent last (Yes, I try to only just don’t think about bastards :stuck_out_tongue: )

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It’s really wonderful how open you are. I’m guessing you’re what they call “pan sexual” though from the sounds of it you’re most about the human being that anything. I like that! Good for you! :slight_smile:

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Well… Whoowh… I am very flatted by such lovely words. Not so sure to be pan sexual however. Just… Friend of humanity. But what I am about to say will probably gives you another point of view over me. :stuck_out_tongue:

I heard in a film (which I love : Fighter In The Wind) that, what makes Miyamoto Musashi a very special warrior, is that he didn’t just want to be a great warrior… He wanted to be the strongest. He practiced each day his philosophy and training for, with an endless will. That’s the same purpose I feel animated by. I don’t want to be a good people. I would be honored to be the wisest, the rightest. And maybe I will never be able to be that man… But following that purpose gives my life a so pure and great sense that whatever if I manage to be this man or not, I have never felt better than when I try to. It gives at the same time a sense to my future, and to my past. It gives a sense to that numerous failures and sufferings I had in life and the other ones I will have later.

I have been feeling depressed for a very long time for having been deeply emotionally dependant. I started to nourish at a moment a picture of that man I’d like to be, and another picture of a partner I would like to have. The first picture was my way to respect and honor all that values my relatives gave me till that very moment, to find an eternal purpose in life, something inextinguishable, to fight and cure my depression. And the second picture was a kinda reference, something to focus on to never stop fighting my inner demons and fears, to never stop hoping and believing. Loneliness taught me that this unique and valorous partner I would like to have, I will have to deserve him/her by being and giving the best I have in me, as much as I can.

Now, I’m still alone, but I like to think this is only because I am “not enough” yet to deserve that partner. However, that "philosophy "taught me to look far further the gender, trying to understand always deeper human nature, in order to help who I can, to accept and understand those I cross the road.

Isn’t it conceited to think as I do ? I guess it is. When you don’t like yourself at first, you would like and need the others to like you. I just try to be better to be more… liked, in fact. This is… kinda selfish, in some way. My only comfort is to share the best i can become with others to legitimate to be so conceited and unable to love myself without it. I feel like just being a “potential”, something almost insignificant if I don’t try to be better than just what I am now. I think this is maybe what people call “life”. How to deserve to be loved… By giving the best of oneself, I guess.

But this is not very humble to think that way. :rolling_eyes:

Wow I love how this thread is going, lots of experience sharing :smiley:

As for me, telling my friends was the first step. One of them changed his attitude towards me (he’s like not hating gays — he’s the nicest guy ever, no hate in him — but not feeling comfortable around them either) and we’re sadly not talking much anymore since then. I know he’s not feeling comfortable so I don’t insist in keeping in touch with him, I mourned our friendship for some time, and finally moved on. All my other friends reacted well.

Then I told my family, this was more scary as I know them for being quite conservative (think catholic, military, etc…) but it turned out they all reacted very well.

In the end, all my family and closest friends already met my girlfriend, spent quite some time with her already (holidays, dinners, brunches, etc…) and they all love her.

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In my personal experience feeling like “I’m not enough” (insufficiency) or “i’m not perfect…as yet” one day I will be is a trap. This kind of thinking kept me alone and single for many many years. Another one is “I’m so different no one will ever understand me” so there’s no one out there for me I’ll always be alone. We have to let these kinds of limiting thoughts go. They are false self perceptions. Life is energy as is love. Like breathing we have to inhale and exhale. Give and receive. It’s not all about giving nor all about taking. It’s balance. It’s dance a duo. Not a solo. Yet it all beings with self love. I say to myself in the mirror “I love you, life loves you. You are beautiful and loved.” and other nice things :slight_smile:

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