Hi, I’m Cody from Los Ángeles.
I grew up in the Midwest and didn’t really know anything about transgenderism until college. I was sober when I started my sophomore year of college (due to some problems with alcohol during my freshman year) and while everyone in the house I was living in were having a party, I sat alone in my new room and found a porn magazine that the old tenant had left behind. I browsed through and in the ad section in the back there were pictures of trans women (ads for sex lines). My interest was immediately piqued. Not knowing anything about transgenderism then I naively thought these were cisgender women who were born with male genitalia. With time my interest in cisgender women waned and I only thought about trans women. I sometimes dabbled in chat rooms, but never any further than that, and the chatrooms and online research did help me learn more about transgenderism.
After college I moved to LA, but was too embarrassed to go to trans clubs (I was very shy in general and came from a very conservative family). It wasn’t until after I started dating a girl somewhat seriously that I first went to a trans club and was completely mesmerized. I went back a few more times, but never hooked up (other than a kiss one time). Meanwhile, the girl I was dating and I became more serious (I loved her and still do) and eventually we married and had kids. I stopped visiting trans bars, but developed an addiction to trans porn and it was constantly on my mind. It got to a point where I couldn’t be intimate with my wife without imagining her as a trans woman.
My wife had told me she was bi before we met and I was probably pansexual then, but closeted. She never pushed it, but hinted at threesomes with another woman; I wasn’t really interested. Once when away on an extended work trip I tried a trans dating site and talked seriously with a girl for a while, who I really liked, but then chickened out; plus I decided it better to prioritize my marriage.
Fast forward a bit, and at one point my wife had been reading about open relationships and we decided to try it out. First was a clothes off experience with a trans woman (probably one of my most enjoyable sexual experiences ever), then at a later time oral (but never anything more than that). After that I backed off. I decided I loved my wife and didn’t want to pursue my trans attraction any further (but not sure if this was guilt more than anything else). I still watched trans porn, but went many years without another trans hookup. Then one day I was at a restaurant and saw a trans YouTuber that I had a crush on. I fantasized about her often and after further research I saw she was on a dating site. I came out to my wife as pansexual shortly after this (and to some close friends) and she encouraged me to explore it. I went to a trans bar and made out with someone. And I went on some dates with YouTube girl and a non-binary guy, who presented very feminine. YouTube girl eventually ghosted, and my heart was broken. I fear that if it hadn’t ended that way that I may have left my wife for her (and in the long run maybe I’m glad it ended as it did). But with both of the dating experiences I was still afraid and never went any further than making out (though I wanted to), and while it felt natural I wasn’t very physically affectionate (note because of shyness and self consciousness, I’ve been this way in relationships with cis-women too).
Meanwhile, my wife was also going on dates with women. We started growing further apart and almost divorced and we decided to call the open relationship experiment quits. I went a long stretch without viewing porn, but eventually caved in. Now several years later, she and I are still doing well (but I still think often about trans women and to a lesser extent men - usually, but not always, feminine men).
Nearly twenty years have passed since I first discovered the beauty of trans women and I’ve grown to appreciate them as people and not just sexually. After so many years I’ve also come to realize that my attraction to trans women isn’t going away. Dating trans women felt natural and I’m more sexually attracted to trans women and feminine men than to cisgender women (though still attracted to cis-women as well). I guess I’ll always just feel conflicted, but will have to realize that the attraction isn’t going anywhere. And perhaps it’s more intense than ever as I approach my late thirties for fear of regret down the road.
I would be interested to hear if anyone has had similar experiences and would appreciate any discussion and feedback.