Introduction, in case anyone still uses this site

Hi, I’m Cody from Los Ángeles.

I grew up in the Midwest and didn’t really know anything about transgenderism until college. I was sober when I started my sophomore year of college (due to some problems with alcohol during my freshman year) and while everyone in the house I was living in were having a party, I sat alone in my new room and found a porn magazine that the old tenant had left behind. I browsed through and in the ad section in the back there were pictures of trans women (ads for sex lines). My interest was immediately piqued. Not knowing anything about transgenderism then I naively thought these were cisgender women who were born with male genitalia. With time my interest in cisgender women waned and I only thought about trans women. I sometimes dabbled in chat rooms, but never any further than that, and the chatrooms and online research did help me learn more about transgenderism.

After college I moved to LA, but was too embarrassed to go to trans clubs (I was very shy in general and came from a very conservative family). It wasn’t until after I started dating a girl somewhat seriously that I first went to a trans club and was completely mesmerized. I went back a few more times, but never hooked up (other than a kiss one time). Meanwhile, the girl I was dating and I became more serious (I loved her and still do) and eventually we married and had kids. I stopped visiting trans bars, but developed an addiction to trans porn and it was constantly on my mind. It got to a point where I couldn’t be intimate with my wife without imagining her as a trans woman.

My wife had told me she was bi before we met and I was probably pansexual then, but closeted. She never pushed it, but hinted at threesomes with another woman; I wasn’t really interested. Once when away on an extended work trip I tried a trans dating site and talked seriously with a girl for a while, who I really liked, but then chickened out; plus I decided it better to prioritize my marriage.

Fast forward a bit, and at one point my wife had been reading about open relationships and we decided to try it out. First was a clothes off experience with a trans woman (probably one of my most enjoyable sexual experiences ever), then at a later time oral (but never anything more than that). After that I backed off. I decided I loved my wife and didn’t want to pursue my trans attraction any further (but not sure if this was guilt more than anything else). I still watched trans porn, but went many years without another trans hookup. Then one day I was at a restaurant and saw a trans YouTuber that I had a crush on. I fantasized about her often and after further research I saw she was on a dating site. I came out to my wife as pansexual shortly after this (and to some close friends) and she encouraged me to explore it. I went to a trans bar and made out with someone. And I went on some dates with YouTube girl and a non-binary guy, who presented very feminine. YouTube girl eventually ghosted, and my heart was broken. I fear that if it hadn’t ended that way that I may have left my wife for her (and in the long run maybe I’m glad it ended as it did). But with both of the dating experiences I was still afraid and never went any further than making out (though I wanted to), and while it felt natural I wasn’t very physically affectionate (note because of shyness and self consciousness, I’ve been this way in relationships with cis-women too).

Meanwhile, my wife was also going on dates with women. We started growing further apart and almost divorced and we decided to call the open relationship experiment quits. I went a long stretch without viewing porn, but eventually caved in. Now several years later, she and I are still doing well (but I still think often about trans women and to a lesser extent men - usually, but not always, feminine men).

Nearly twenty years have passed since I first discovered the beauty of trans women and I’ve grown to appreciate them as people and not just sexually. After so many years I’ve also come to realize that my attraction to trans women isn’t going away. Dating trans women felt natural and I’m more sexually attracted to trans women and feminine men than to cisgender women (though still attracted to cis-women as well). I guess I’ll always just feel conflicted, but will have to realize that the attraction isn’t going anywhere. And perhaps it’s more intense than ever as I approach my late thirties for fear of regret down the road.

I would be interested to hear if anyone has had similar experiences and would appreciate any discussion and feedback.

Hi Cody,

Thanks for your introduction and opening up about your story. Very touching. I went through this phase of conflicting at a very young age. Same as you, I’m definitely more attracted to trans women over biological women. Luckily, I accepted my attraction very young (20ish) so I didn’t go through the troubles of having a bio wife and feeling frustrated. I’m now 33 and for the past 10 years I’ve only been trans women.

Your situation is far from unique, I’ve met lots of men like you who keep it inside for many years until the pressure is too much, and give in to their attraction in their 40s, 50s or even 60s. If that makes you feel better, you’re not alone!

Hi Cyril -

Thanks so much for the positive affirmation. I think that had I not gotten married in my 20s (and don’t get me wrong, I do love my wife), that I probably would have experimented more with things when I was younger and may have ended up in a relationship with a trans woman. Maybe not. Who ever knows for sure? But it does feel that at least for now that door is shut, partly because I do love my wife and also because I’m a traditionalist in certain respects.

I am glad that this forum exists for people like me to share their stories and experiences and hope that more become active participants, because there is something cathartic about knowing that your experience is not a stand alone and that there are others out there with similar stories.

I’m happy this helps :slight_smile: This was my intention when creating this forum.

Let me start with the fact that I am 56, married with two beautiful daughters and two great son-in-laws and a beautiful wife who is painfully introverted. They all see me as a ‘man’s man’. Except the wife knows my secret. (I write dominant t-girl erotica as my outlet for my obsession) I read a story in a National Lampoon magazine called ‘My Penis’ in 1979 and it awoke a desire I have never lived without. There is not enough space here to explain all the stuff in between, but it sure sounds like I could be the 20 year further down the road version of where you are now and I’m questioning my past decisions. Though your past has waaaaay more experiences than mine. (0)

I’m not saying what your right choice is, only offering to be a sounding board for what the future may hold. If you want to contact me directly, my email is ruwild82@hotmail.com or I’ll try to reply here.

Hi ruwild,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. It does sound like there are some similarities. I, too, have used writing as an outlet to explore desire. I’ve published a bit (poetry, magazine articles, scholarship), but so far no fiction. But in the novel I’ve been working on for several years, the love interest of the main character is a trans woman.

There is really a lot of conflict because I, and I’m sure this probably echoes your own experiences in some ways, really love my wife and kids and want a stable home for them, but feel a stronger desire for trans women. And while my wife would encourage me to explore this if I wanted to, I am hindered by fear and tradition. Socially and politically I’m a very progressive person, but I still hold very closely to traditional values in my private life.

Always nice to meet a fellow writer! I don’t know if you’re lucky to have a wife like that or not. Mine surely is not open minded about any exploring on my part, but if she were I would still struggle with the same issues you are. One thing I would say, at my age I really feel like my opportunities are slipping away.

Yeah, I’m not sure if I’m lucky in that regard either. I wish I had explored it more when I was younger, and I’m with you in feeling that the opportunities are falling away. It’s a challenge.

I know this theory is totally unrelated to the topic of this site, but I’m curious, which didn’t work out so well for the oysters, but if your wife were to wake up one morning with the one thing all the trans girls have would all you problems be solved? Or is it just not that simple?

I’m not sure. It’s an interesting question, but I think it might be more than just what’s between the legs. That said, my wife and I have a great relationship for the most part, but not without conflict. We share many of the same values, but very different interests and I actually had more in common and was able to relate better in some ways with some of the trans women I’ve been with (the one oral experience and flirting with/dating YouTube girl). I think it’s complicated.

That makes sense and I understand that it is complicated. I have approached my wife about alternatives that might help us meet in the middle of this whole sexual conundrum, but without progress. So suddenly waking up with a little something extra wouldn’t fix anything unless it brought along with it a new insight to intimate relations. Like you, I love my wife very much and would never want to hurt her, but that also means that if she isn’t willing to explore alternatives and be open minded, I’m just plain old stuck.

It is a dilemma; I completely get it. A mutual friend suggested alternatives that could spice things up in the bedroom for her and I, but she was against it then (and I was a bit reluctant) and she encouraged me instead to seek out sexual relations outside of our relationship. But it might be in part due to my Catholic upbringing, even with her blessing, it just brought with it guilt. And I also encountered transwomen who I clicked with, but who were not open to the idea of open relationships. It’s not easy, as there is a bit of a gap between love and desire.

I was also raised in the Christian faith and can relate to that part of your struggle. I would really like to see you happy Cody and I don’t want to see you wait till you’re my age to find it or possibly find that all those opportunities have passed by. Have you tired couples counseling? Do everything you can for the relationship you are in, and if that doesn’t work maybe if you and your wife discuss a way to co-parent for a potential split it would eventually release you both to find the happiness you seek. And never forget prayer. I know you’ve drifted away from that part of your life, but just because we do, doesn’t mean we can find it again and be bolstered by strength it can bring us. God wants you to be happy too and while it doesn’t exactly jive with the Good Book, I believe that the true, honest, fulfilling love of another human, no matter what their chromosomes are, is a blessing.

Thank you - same to you! I actually am happy in my current situation, it’s just that constant ‘but maybe if’ that is always there. I guess it’s part of the problem of being human.

I’m very glad to hear you are happy! I’ll quit giving you advice you don’t need then! Lol!