Roles In the Bedroom

I know this is going to be a very personal question. Many of you may not want to answer. And apologies if you find it crude. But frankly, if I can’t ask this here, I don’t know where I can. But here are the questions.

  1. Do you guys seek out versatile or top partners?

  2. For those of you who have partners, is your partner versatile? Are they comfortable being top?

They’re very direct obviously, but frankly I am asking because for me the answer to number 1 is yes. I’m single but I’m looking for a versatile partner, one who is perfectly comfortable with having and using their assigned genitalia.

I ask it now because I got into quite a depressing conversation with a trans friend today who seemed adamant that any trans woman would want to have SRS, no exceptions. I’ve come across evidence to the contrary of this, but she was equally adamant that trans women who do this are only doing so to please their partners and have absolutely no desire to use their genitalia for sexual pleasure of their own.

I would really like to hear from all of you. I’m getting quite morose and depressed about my entire search and relationship future at this point.

And please, if you’re going to make the objectification argument, don’t. It’s nonsense.



Just from my personal experience it truly depends on the person and how comfortable they are, I’ve met some women that only topped, others that were strictly bottoms and some that were versatile. I personally choose a woman that is a bottom because I see myself as more a top but I’ve bottomed before but it was with women that only topped and it wasn’t fun not having topping them being an option, versatile is fine but most bottoms I’ve been with it wasn’t as comfortable or felt as easy for them topping another person which leads of course back to it being dependent upon the individual, but I do prefer bottoms :smile:

Don’t be too depressed Captain, it may be difficult to find someone but not all trans are bottom and many are fluid and open minded to all kinds of scenarios. Of course it’s best to base a relationship and dating on things other than sexual preferences, but I understand how it’s important to find compatibility in the bedroom.


I agree with what has been said already.

Not all trans women want srs, but many do, and many are not comfortable with or have no desire to use their genitalia (your trans friend). There are also trans women that are comfortable and enjoy using theirs, and who’s gender affirmation is more about what is presented to the world (with clothes on). Some women become more comfortable over time with having and using their penis, and others may suddenly want srs when never having wanted it before. Every shade and spectrum is out there. Your friend has not been inside the mind of every other trans woman.

I’m vers and have been in relationships with trans women that were vers, others I only topped, and others where I only bottomed. In my experience bottom only women are most common, followed by top only, and vers being least common and often just for the sake of pleasing a partner. My last LTR was a four year relationship, and my partner was 90% top. Regardless of how those roles played out in those relationships, all of those women wanted to feel like I would have loved them just the same if they’d had srs or weren’t trans. It a a strange a paradox. If you make someone feel like you love them because of their genitalia, it’s over.

You seem to already know finding a trans woman to date can be very difficult. Being in a LTR with trans partner brings many new challenges that you most likely haven’t faced with a cis partner. Joe was on the mark, in that your unlikely to surmount those without a true friendship, common goals, etc…

This is just me speaking from my narrow band of experience in the past 15 years.
I hope you find someone that you are compatible with in many things including the bedroom


I second the previous replies, there are all shades of grey out there.

My partner is non-op and vers and very happy as she is. She often jokes that if she does SRS, it’d be just for the practicality of not having to tuck it in (think swimming pool, modelling, beauty pageants…) but otherwise she doesn’t feel like her genitalia are making her less of a woman. Or that doing SRS would make her more of a woman either.

Nobody should assert that all trans women want to do SRS because it’s not true, and it’s shaming those who want to stay non-op, making them pass as deviants or marginal. And vice versa.


That is the most wonderful thing about transexual women. They have no problem being upfront with you. None of the guesswork and manipulation common with cis women. They are also unique individuals and no two are the same. I am top by nature but I have no problem being versatile if the woman enjoys that kind of thing. The only real long term relationship I have had was with a post-op woman and now the new lady in my life is also post-op. Problem solved. Although the lady I dated last year was post-op she had strap-ons in her drawer. Even though it was never part of our relationship she obviously had those desires.

I have dated all 3 types, pre, post and non op. Still there is no stereotype you can box them into. I know 2 who have never had or want to have anal sex top or bottom. One is post-op and the other non-op. Each woman is different. I think it is best to forget sex. It will come up in time anyway. You’re not going to get any until she is ready anyway so don’t get frustrated over sex. And even then it is going to be her way. For me it is best to see them as people, have fun going places and discovering each other. Then the sex, when it happens, is more like making love and enjoyable however it happens. The reward is in giving someone pleasure. Not in how that happens.


I am a transgender woman, and I am very versatile. I am also long term relationship oriented! =)


Sounds awesome I hope you find a person that cherishes you and your intelligence

In my relationship with my girlfriend, she is exclusively the top and I am the bottom. We both love our roles in lovemaking but we never confuse these roles with who we are as a man and a woman. She says there’s no one who makes her feel like a woman the way I do. So I must be doing something right lol!

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So very true our sexual preferences or sexuality doesn’t define us, that’s awesome to hear.