Whenever I take any online tests of sexual orientation, I always score 100% heterosexual. It’s almost boring really how exclusively my interest is focused on femininity and the female gender. My ex-wife used to say that I was the man who loved women and I can’t argue with that assessment.
When I was chatting with a lot of transgender women, it was no surprise to me that I was very picky when it came to any indication of masculinity. I would be turned off by obvious things like a male voice, facial hair, or a muscular body but sometimes it wasn’t even anything I could put my finger on. Sometimes it was just a male vibe that I was getting from someone.
Yet here I was looking for someone who was a top but presented herself as completely feminine. Wasn’t there a bit of a contradiction there? Wouldn’t there have to be something at least a little masculine about her? Was I fooling myself?
When I first saw my girlfriend on the cam, she was perfect. Not only a pure top but someone who was so feminine that I forgot she was transgender. In person, it was exactly the same. She was the woman of my dreams.
During the pandemic there was a long lockdown in Manila and my girlfriend stopped plucking her facial hair because she was always wearing a mask anyway. After several weeks, she was well on the way to having a scraggly beard. She had stopped wearing any kind of makeup as well because there wasn’t any point to that either. The strange thing was, I didn’t care.
Previously I would have been completely put off by these changes but now it just didn’t matter. I still saw her as the woman I always had even if she had a kind of androgynous appearance. The facial hair and the makeup just seemed trivial - it didn’t change who she was as a person - maybe none of it mattered?
I told her one day that if it was too much work being feminine, she could just be a gay guy. I would stay with her and be just as happy with her. Or him. She said she appreciated the offer but it wasn’t going to happen. She was a girl when she was three years old and she will be a girl when she’s seventy three years old.
I can’t say that I was relieved to hear her say that. It was just her choice and whatever it was, her choice was fine with me.